Key Takeaways:  

• Getting to the root of why you don’t want to tell him will help you decide if keeping it a secret is the best thing to do. 
• Keeping an abortion from him might cause more strain on your relationship than you might initially think. 
• Determine what you might regret more, not telling him or telling him and trying to work it out.  
• Honesty in a relationship is about more than just not lying, it’s about feeling safe enough to open up about something vulnerable. Honesty creates deeper emotional safety and intimacy.

You just found out you’re pregnant. You’re thinking about abortion, but wondering if you should tell him before you make a decision. 

There may be a lot running through your mind right now. You may be afraid of how he’ll respond, worried about what pregnancy could mean for your relationship, or simply unsure of what to do next. 

As you think through whether to tell him, here are a few questions worth asking yourself.

I’m pregnant, do I need to tell him? Can I get an abortion without him knowing?

Why don’t you want to tell him?  

Figuring out the why behind wanting to keep the pregnancy to yourself will tell you a lot about whether you should tell him or not. Here are just a few reasons you might be thinking about:  

“I don’t want our relationship to change.” Maybe your relationship is going well, and you’re afraid an unexpected pregnancy could change things. Having an abortion without him knowing may seem like it will keep things the way they are. 

But life will at some point throw you a curve ball. At some point, something will happen to test not only the strength of your relationship, but who you both are at the core. If an unexpected pregnancy can shake your relationship, odds are something else can too. 

“I don’t know how he will respond.” Maybe you’re in a committed long-term relationship, already have children, or have talked about not wanting children. It’s reasonable to be uncertain of what his response will be. But choosing an abortion probably won’t remove that wonder of how he would have responded and how things might have been different. You may never know unless you give him the opportunity to respond. 

Read more about how men really feel about unexpected pregnancies in our article “What Is He Going to Think When I Tell Him I’m Pregnant?” 

“This was just a one night stand.” Maybe this was a one-time-thing, something casual, or something new. You may not feel like you know him well enough to involve him in such a big decision.  

Even if you don’t know him that well, you shouldn’t have to carry the weight of an unexpected pregnancy on your own. He was a part of this, and still is a part of it. Telling him gives him the opportunity to step up and gives you the opportunity to consider his perspective as well. 

“I’m not ready.” You may be happy with the life you’ve built and have plans for the future that don’t include a pregnancy right now. It’s natural to want to hold onto the life you know and are comfortable with. 

But we don’t always get a choice about what kind of change we face in life. These unexpected twists and turns in life create an opportunity for us to learn and grow into the people we want to be. An unexpected pregnancy can bring changes you never planned for, but you don’t have to have everything figured out today. You can take things one step at a time and seek support as you process what this pregnancy could mean for your future. 

“I’m afraid he will hurt me.”  If you’re afraid your partner may hurt you physically or emotionally, your safety comes first. Do not tell him about the pregnancy if doing so could put you in danger.  

Go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. Our compassionate staff at Care Net of Puget Sound are also here to help you. We are committed to your safety and helping you navigate what next steps are right for you.

What would telling him reveal about your relationship?  

Think about how his response might give you clarity about the type of person he is and the strength of your relationship. 

Is he someone who will stick around when things get hard? Can you both communicate honestly when you disagree? Is he willing to face unexpected change or circumstances with you?  

Keeping secrets from the person you’re supposed to be closest to may protect your relationship from uncomfortable conversations right now, but it can also create distance and leave you carrying the emotional weight alone. 

Our client advocates and male mentors at Care Net of Puget Sound are ready to listen, offer understanding, and connect you and your partner to resources and programs. Our goal is not only to help you make a decision together, but to help you both thrive in your relationship and home.

Would you wonder about the what if’s?  

Looking ahead, what would it be like for you to look back at this decision? 

Is there a possibility that you would regret not telling your partner about this pregnancy? Would you wonder how he would have responded, what kind of father he could have been, what kind of mother you could have been, what kind of life the two of you could have built together? Maybe even wonder what kind of person your child could have been, what interests they would have had, what resemblance of you they carry, or what kind of life they could have had? 

Even if you didn’t regret your decision, would you always wonder what if? Telling him that you’re pregnant removes the possibility of wondering if you should have done something different.  

It’s worth giving yourself time to consider these questions and talk with someone before making a decision. 

You might find it helpful to read our article, “How to Make a Pregnancy Decision Together.”

Why is honesty in a relationship so important?  

Honesty is about more than just not telling a lie. Honesty is a way of expanding how you communicate and listen to each other. It opens the door to feeling safe enough to open up about something vulnerable or meaningful about ourselves – which is a sign of relational strength. 

When two people can communicate what they are feeling in a respectful way and respond to their partner’s honesty with gentleness and understanding, a lot of problems tend to be easier to handle. Honesty creates deeper emotional safety and intimacy.  

Deciding to keep the pregnancy a secret from your partner puts a lot of weight on you to carry by yourself. A relationship should be a safe place where you can help carry one another when things get hard. Someone you can lean on when you don’t know what to do.  

Many women not only experience physical turmoil after abortion, but emotional as well. Relief and guilt are often felt together. Choosing an abortion is something you don’t want to carry alone.